The last two days I have been in a down mood. The kids and I went shopping for things they needed to go back to school today. Hard to believe that they are both in high school .
My son is a junior and my daughter a freshman. When I first came back to Delaware after my husband died , they were eight and six...Hmmm..how'd did I get from there to here..its sorta depressing. I know time goes by but I never realized how fast.
Nine years had slid by and here I am still a widow, I don't like it SCHIZZ, I really don't. I went to the calling hours and funeral for my cousin Colleen, as we hugged she said to me " We should start a widow's club, huh?" I know from that statement that she was in for a long haul, especially the first two years, like my late husband's aunt said the calling hours and the funeral are the easy parts of the process. It brought back painful memories yet again.
I know everyone meant well but during these parts, it was said to me "You have been through this before" gosh, how it wasn't a fun experience, one I wish was under better circumstances to share with someone. I guess in a way its a compliment because I understand perhaps better than some in my family. Aunt Billie remarked to my Aunt Janet, Colleen's mom "She's a strong person, she will be fine." All I could think was how I have seen the strongest people fall under grief. Colleen's daughter was really having a hard time, but as I sat there watching my cousin I could see her visibly shake as she sobbed. That pain is one I could feel right down to the soles of my feet. I started to cry. The hardest was listening to their son, a man in his late thirties with children of his own ,break down as he spoke of his dad.
My cousin and I shared some similarities with our husband's, her brother's name is Jeff, for the time, there were three. Colleen's husband's name was Jeff, whom she married in 1986. Me, my late husband's name was Jeff as you know.
Its not a fun club, "The Family Widow's Club" I know that in my immediate family there were three until my second cousin Doris passed away this year, now its just Colleen and I, if you want to count my in law side, Aunt Pauline. Its a lonely, depressing place. I know come this September when we have our family reunion. Colleen and I will be singled out, you know those "Poor Widow's" whispers and the the occasional pitiful looks...A Big RASPBERRY to that . Colleen yet has had endure years of it, like I have, prayerfully she will find someone to become a good friend and fall in love with like I have with you or she may be contented with just spending her days with her family like Aunt Pauline and Doris did. All I know is being without a loving man is living hell, I don't like it. I am thankful you were and still in my life, although I wish I could be with you. I find now that my parents need me as yours did, since my brother decided to bail out on all of us. He didn't even bother to show up for Colleen, when everyone did. Mom was really worked up about it. It hurts dad, I know, mom sees it in him all the time and it burns her up. You see all of us, including my cousins were all close because we grew up together, so my brother not being there was a slap in the face for all of us.
I am sorry I didn't write, it just has been so stressful, either way, I know its not an excuse and I hope and pray your family is doing fine and you are keeping well, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. It breaks m heart not to see or talk to you face to face. I know you are very busy and that is ok. I love you, many hugs and kisses, be careful and safe on your daily journeys ok!
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