One guy I work with who is my age, married with two grown children asked me while I was telling him of my late husband "You never wanted to re-marry?" I really didn't know how to answer it.
Why haven't I? I really don't know. I am so hard on myself that I think I am not worthy I guess.
Everyone worries about me, including my late husband's parents who want to see me be with someone again. I didn't realize this until lately when his mom told me "Jeff would have wanted you yo be happy again." I know he would have. Its easier said than done. Its hard to trust, especially my feelings.
So what do I do? well, I just live each day like nothing is going to happen and why should I expect it to. Like some man from my dreams is going to come and surprise me. Well, there are so many problems with that. One being who wants an old lady and two, who wants a family car, when you can have a sports model.
I joke at myself, but in a lot of ways, its true. At any rate, maybe I will understand one day why and come to terms with it. My department head is engaged and going to be married in March, he is the same age I was when I got married. "I thinking how old I am to get married and have a family" he said.
I told him "No" and wished him and his fiance best wishes.
To these kids, I am like a mom or aunt. Its nice. I hope they have many happy years together.
I think about my late husband and what a beautiful place he is in now with no health issues. I know he is happy even though I can't see him, all I have is a tombstone to visit now and reflect on his life.
I found some of his army uniforms while cleaning out my closet and gave them to my son, who can fit them now.
I know I am not perfect and The Good Lord knows I mess up, but maybe somewhere down the line, I have done the best I could. I know I have done good when I look at my son and daughter.
Why does it take me so long? Someday I will find an answer.
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